Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Moan for me like Helen Keller
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
