guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
