I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
