Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
