I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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