So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
