It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
