I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize