not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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