Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
