I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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