he thought i was a dude.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
