I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
