The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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