Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
