my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
