True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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