Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
