Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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