I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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