the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
