I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
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