If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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