i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
