lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
