The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
