I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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