You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
