It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
