He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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