I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
