I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
