U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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