OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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