I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
