So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
