dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
