if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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