Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
