So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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