He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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