I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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