i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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