We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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