There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Church boner. Awkwardddd
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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