party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
