We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
