Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
