hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
