My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
accomplished twins. life is a go
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
