everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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