Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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