All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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