Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
