when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just invented taco cereal.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
