So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
