new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
