Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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