Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
